Is your Ego effecting your success at work?
Why most people will never share in meetings and how you can change this by taking these 2 simple steps.
I have been there, right in the eye of the storm. Years ago, when I was teaching, it felt like the whole world came crashing down.
To begin with, it was not that spectacular. I was in a meeting, like any other meeting and we needed to come up with a solution. No, let me rephrase that. My team required a remarkable idea to solve a problem. What the problem was and what the idea was is not as important as how the situation continued to worsen by the second after my Ego started to speak up.
My Ego and I are most of the time on good speaking terms. She is strong, and I am well aware of how she tries to control my output. At that moment in time, I was terribly intimidated by the almost screaming voice inside my head telling me that: “your ideas are not great, at all. Well, maybe they never were.”
Inside my head, colossal alarm bells went off; a siren started to howl and …
Next thing I did was, speak out loud and share my idea.
And then nothing.
Total silence.
Nothing happened.
Everybody looked at me. Bright eyes. It was not over yet. I knew it could go either way.
Hurray.
I jumped the hoop and did not fall flat on my face. The idea was implemented, and the problem solved, but I never forgot what an impact the voice of my Ego had on that particular moment and how it could have changed anything right then and there if I was not prepared to share my idea.
Nobody would have known I had this great idea.
Sure other people would have had great ideas that would have eventually solve the problem too. But now it was mine, and I was proud.
This was my success. And I wanted more. I knew I could do great things!
And so can you, because you have this fire inside you that is burning wildly and has beautiful ideas and the will to make a difference.
These are the moments you grow.
These are the moments you should seek out.
These moments are what will rise you up.
Moments like this will not only make your day, but they also make you become the person you want to be.
Creating wins and success.
Success is not measured in giant leaps but small steps.
Overcoming the fear is one of them.
So let’s take a close look at what happened at that moment.
Once a problem is presented, your mind starts to work on an idea. It’s what your mind does and loves. At the exact nanosecond, when an idea will pop up in your mind, your Ego will rise simultaneously and will start throwing all kind of terrible things at your idea.
“you think this is any good?”
“I have seen this before, nothing special.”
“Crash and burn”
Why is our Ego such a pain?
Ego is one of the biggest weapons that is used to take us down. It’s self-destructive. It’s a problem on all levels — even regular people can have big ego problems. Yehuda Berg
What happens is that your Ego is frightened that you will get hurt. The Ego does not like to stand out, in fear of getting shamed, fail, not be perfect. You name it.
Here are just some of the elements that will trigger your Ego into speaking up:
- Your Ego will immediately criticize your idea.
- Your Ego will signal: stop, this takes to much energy.
- Ego loves simple and easy to understand. Nothing complicated.
- Remarkable ideas are the enemy of logic, and your Ego loves logic.
As a reaction to these triggers, the following happens:
Your Ego will start signalling that you have to stop. It raises its voice, and the more you listen to it, the louder it will get. And the more profound it will become.
The elements above show your inner voice, triggered by the moment of the rise of the new idea.
Fear of the unknown
Now the situation has changed from a secure place to and insecure space. And your Ego is sounding the alarm.
When the unknown is presented, this shifts everything. And your Ego will go from a confident voice to insecure voice, and all it wants is to get back to being confident.
So it starts shouting.
If you become aware of your Ego and see and accept your Ego for what it is and why it does what it does, there is nothing to be fearful of.
You know, you can choose whatever you want. Nothing will happen.
The only thing hurt will be your Ego, but she will recover, she is very flexible, you’ll see.
By default, your Ego wants you to be normal.
In the Netherlands, we have a saying that goes as follows: “Just be normal, that is crazy enough” Which means as much as don’t rock the boat. Be like most people.
Your Ego wants you to be like most people.
The thing is, that way you will not be very successful, or have unique ideas, or become the innovator you aim to be.
But if you have high hopes, if you have a strong desire to become your best version of you. If you want to be the changemaker, the word has been waiting for.
Here is what you should do.
I have gathered the 2 most essential elements you should be aware of when you join any meeting and how to keep your Ego on a leash when you want BIG ideas.
Only this awareness can guide you from falling in the Ego trap.
1. Accept that BIG ideas are scary
New ideas are terrifying.
“The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death.” Steven Pressfield
We have all been there. A new idea emerges, and you love it. You know it will solve the problem, but you also know it is a risky one. It’s a daring move.It’s not like any of the other solutions presented. It will ask for some imagination of the rest of the team. The first thing you want to do is share it, right now. But you hesitate. Immediately the next feeling washes over you. You start to hear the inner voice. Your Ego starts talking:
“This is probably not the best idea ever. Hmm, maybe not share it right now. I can check with somebody, later on, to see if it will do the job. Better not let anybody else hear it. How could I have come up with such an idea in the first place? I must have been mad to even consider sharing this with the world.”
You sigh and the moment has passed. So glad you kept my mouth shut.
Does this sound familiar?
Ego hits you right in the face.
The exact moment you start feeling uneasy, right before you want to share an idea, your Ego will interfere. And your Ego is a scared little one. It hates any possible failures, and it will stop you whenever you could fail.
It likes reliable and secure outcomes. Having an idea that stands out increases the chances of failing so whenever that happens, your Ego will do anything to stop you sharing it. To protect itself. To be safe.
It probably happened to you too. You start feeling uneasy, and in the end, you decide not to share the idea in the meeting. Then 5 minutes later, something terrible happens. One of the other team members shared her idea. It is the idea you wanted to propose but decided not to and pulled back. It makes you feel sick to the stomach. Why did you not push harder? Now you feel ashamed and stupid.
And to make things worse: Everybody loves the idea.
Now you wished you had shared the idea.
Maybe it even makes you feel resentful towards the team member who had the audacity to come up with “your” idea. Thing is it was never your idea because you did not lean in and share.
Your Ego blocked you from sharing this valid idea.
Now you feel worse.
Your Ego could be your worst enemy
When you hear the voice inside your head, telling you not to share.
Thank your Ego for bringing it up. But no thanks!
- Don’t listen to the voice.
- Do share.
- Nothing can happen.
- There is nothing to lose.
The first time you do this, it will make you feel terrible and the more often you will practice this, the easier it will become.
Try doing it as much as you can. Practise silencing your Ego daily by sharing silly ideas and start doing weird things.
The more your Ego gets used to being uncomfortable, the easier it will be for you to share.
Never again let your inner voice, your Ego tells you that your idea is terrible. Not enough, too simple. Anything to bring your idea down.
Bonus Rule number 1.
Let other people decide if they like the idea or not. Never take the idea of the table beforehand! Never tell them: “I am not sure about this idea.”
Never share your insecurities.
Never apologize beforehand.
Never claim to be not good enough, and say “see I told you so” as insurance.
Bonus Rule number 2.
You don’t want to be the person who always walks from a meeting telling everybody who will listen, that you had the same idea. Getting the attention to you instead of on the person who was courageous enough to let go of their Ego and share the idea in the first place.
Celebrate the grand ideas even if they were not yours. This will make you a nicer person, and it will spread the love.
“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
Brené Brown
2. Start being vulnerable
As Brené Brown says in the Netflix documentary, The call to courage:
“as long as you are not in the arena, I don’t care what you think of me.”
Brené Brown
When you take the stand, and you put yourself on the stage, you are putting yourself in the middle of the attention. Right there where you are most vulnerable. In the open. You feel it. Its real and it’s there.
These above reasons are why your Ego is always fearful, it does not want to get hurt, and it fears moments where you take a leap and force yourself to stand tall. Open and vulnerable to any hardship.
Your Ego is afraid of the downfall; it tries to protect you. It’s the kindest thing your Ego can do for you, but you have to decline the offer. “Thank you, but no thanks. I can handle this myself. I will be fine.”
Because being vulnerable is not the end of the world. However, many of us consider this our biggest fear. All eyes are on you, and you have not even started speaking. The thing is if we let our Ego control us, the next step is that you let yourself be governed by the outside world. And that is even worse. That will take you back even more.
The first thing you need to do when you have an idea. Is to tell yourself that you are going to step into the arena.
You are going to share the idea. Imagine yourself taking the leap, getting out there and then you do it.
Being vulnerable is the most courageous thing you can do.
And no matter what happens, you are going to be very proud of you.
Because you did it.
Talk to your Ego: tell her that you are not scared, that there is nothing to lose and if there is, you are probably not in the right place, to begin with.
My mother always said to me if you cannot speak your mind about the things that matter to you most, if they are not willing to listen, then you are talking to the wrong person. Seek other friends.
If you learn how to silence your Ego at the right moments, you will start receiving an abundance of ideas.
You will learn that you are a wonderful and unique person.
You have great insights and love to share with the world.
Your relationships will start to change because you no longer hold back.
Your success will improve, and you’ll get noticed because of your unique vision you are willing to share with the world.
The world will be a better place because you are in it.
Maurille
